Biking, A life.

Very few people have actually experienced the life of a biker. Thus I, a biker for 10 years (yes, I know that for some that still makes me a spring chicken, but hey), will now bestow appon you the life and style of a biker. No, not a weekend warrior (a person that owns a bike but will only ride it on weekends if the weather is perfect) but rather the life of a true biker, one that rides day in day out, through rain or snow or gloom of night and needless to say when the mercury drops to Zero Kelvin… okay maybe not then.

The first thing that I would like to address is the stigma around bikers. For some reason people out there seem to think that bikers are mean and nasty people (maybe it’s the leather, but I am yet to see handcuffs and whips). I can assure you that this is by far not true, okay maybe the Hells Angles but I have been out drinking with them and they too are the most awesome people out there. Bikers, in truth, are fun loving people; they ride for the freedom (I’ll address that later) and try and have as much fun as humanly possible. Sure, there is the little problem that if you screw them over, they have a slight tendency to break you but I see that as your fault… after all, you stopped the fun.

For the most part bikers (please note; there are a lot of new bikers out there that have started riding as bike prices have dropped. I do not deem them as bikers, as none of the rules that bikers adhere to are in these people) are extremely courteous people. We the bikers do not see cages in a bad light (okay other than the fact that they crash, catch fire and the driver burns to death). We merely see them as obstacles in the path of our freedom and fun. There are plenty of things that us as bikers do that may cause problems, but that is our problem, not yours.

Anyway, I am sure that you are far more interested in what it is like to ride a bike instead of my rambling about image and life… So let me share it with you (See, I am nice and courteous). First let me state that there are many different types of riding; the freedom ride, the traffic ride, the miserable ride and the utter terror ride. I’ll address each of these in turn.

The freedom ride, this is the ride that bikers live for. It is very difficult to describe the actual feeling but I will try. Firstly let’s define freedom. The Cambridge Advanced Learner's Dictionary describes freedom as; "the condition or right of being able or allowed to do whatever you want to, without being controlled or limited". Now let me state that there is, in truth, no such thing as true freedom, we need rules to exist, and one of those rules is gravity (one that can be a serious problem for a biker… I know). Anyway, it is on these freedom rides where the world fades away and life is truly worth living. Remember those dreams that you had as a kid where you could fly? Well that’s it. There are times where the bike just seems to disappear from under you. You look at the place you intend to go and that is where you go. Of course, it’s not as easy as that, there is a lot that happens; changing gears, clutch, accelerator but all these things fade, you do them as naturally as you breathe. In it’s place the feeling of freedom and joy. However, this freedom is also the one thing that makes it so dangerous and it is.

Then there is the traffic ride… Okay, these could be better but they are part of the life we have chosen. So let me try and paint a picture… Ever play those funky games at the arcade where you are the airplane (seen from the above) and have to fly through a canyon while the badguys are trying to shoot you and fly into you? As the stages progress the screen ultimately becomes full of objects and you somehow, even though you have no clue how, survive? Well that’s about it. One very important thing of riding in traffic is that as your experience grows you start learning to listen to your “biker sense”, something spidy wishes he had. This allows one to know what cages are gonna do before they even know themselves. Sure there are tricks and telltale signs that you look out for that can give you hints (see the top 5 worst drivers – a biker’s view for a hint). So basically riding through traffic is; judge, break (front or back… yes, we have both), accelerator, clutch and gears. This combination can of course vary to any one of the 720, different variations available to you. To be honest, it’s not fun but as long as you are courteous to the drivers they are pretty courteous to you.

Next up, the miserable ride; these suck, these are the rides where you just wanna curl up and die, okay not quite but you still never even come close to wanting a cage. They are however, still quite miserable. These are the ones where water is falling out of the sky at a speed of 600km/h, your under garments are soaked through and (in the case of a guy) your balls are lying in a ice cold pool of water (graphic yes, but it gets the point across). Other examples of a miserable ride would be when boulders, the size of bowling balls, made of ice are falling out of the sky, turning your helmet into a bowling pin and of course the odd typhoon that sneaks up on you and turns the entire riding experience into a 45° riding angle affair. YAY! Not what we live for but I guess its life.

Then, the one we all fear, the ride of utter terror. I have had very few of these in my life, and all of them are when your visibility is reduced to the inside of your visor. Now if you take into account that the inside of your visor is about 5 cm from your nose it is, well, terrifying. The first of these wonderful experiences was while cutting through traffic. There was a felt (bush for internationals) fire and the smoke, thick as maple syrup, was blowing across the highway. Now picture cutting through traffic, knowing that there are cars to the left and right of you, knowing that they can see you just as much as you can see them and knowing that there is nothing you can do other than pray. Religion is at times a very big part of biking. Fortunately, the biking god (I think his name is Loki), is for the most part a very forgiving god albeit with a sick sense of humour.

Thus far I have been very carefully avoiding the… relatively large downside of biking that I mentioned before… gravity. You see there is a small problem, as soon as the bike really disappears from underneath you (this is actually quite odd because it always seems that the bike goes one direction and you go the other, the odd thing is when you get up you are right next to each other) is that you are pulled to earth. I can share with you from my experience that earth covered with tar and stones really hurts, for some reason. In my years of riding I have lost a lot of skin, injured a knee and my wrist but this will not stop me. I have had friends who have had their backs broken and an “elder brother” who died. I have had girlfriends and friends scrape me off the tarmac and even cops treating me for shock (who’d have guessed), but still, I will not stop.

But to sum up, bikers “Live to Ride and Ride to Live”. It is the thing that fuels us through this cruel thing called life. I am sure that there are plenty of you out there that can not comprehend this life, but in all honesty there are plenty of others like us; people who jump out of perfectly good airplanes, people who jump off bridges and people that like snowboard down vertical mountains. All of us do this for one reason and one reason alone, it makes us know we are alive.

Top five worst drivers, a biker’s point of view.

First some background story. I have been riding bikes for a pretty long time; on and off (i.e. whenever my bike was actually operational) for 9 years. Now I know that some people (who would generally be classified as older and wiser, not that I would ever really classify riding a bike as wise, let alone sane) would say that, that would make me but a spring chicken, but for others, me included that make me pretty much a veteran. Especially when it is your primary form of transport, yup, I ain’t no weekend warrior.

Sure, there have been thrills and (to many) spills but now I can finally say that I have my first real bike. The first one that I had was a BMW R60/5 she was a trusty old bike (actually her personality was that of a jealous woman, but as long as I loved her, she loved me) that was 2 years younger than I am old. To be brutally honest it was not in the best of shape for two reasons. Firstly there was the problem that plagues all aging motor vehicles (and humans for that matter) things started breaking. Secondly, was the small problem of her rider being a little insane let alone suicidal. Finally on one fateful night, she met her demise in a corner… While that is a bad thing I assure you it is also a blessing. You see there is one innate flaw in having an old bike, it quite successfully devours all the money that you could and would have used to buy a newer one simply to keep it running. So with her demise (and a great deal of saving), I got my baby the R 1100 S Sport.

Anyway, the point of this little bedtime story is to point out that I have now had +/- 9 years of road experience and seen a lot of changes in people and bikers (yes I do differentiate) and their driving/riding attitudes. If you had asked me about 4-6 years ago who was the worst on the road my response, as would many others, would have been automatic: “Mercs and BM’s” However things change and, as it is said time slows for no man, except of course if you are travelling at the speed of light of course, a speed I am yet to reach. So now we get to the top five worst car drivers on the road, let the countdown begin:

First place is a new entry and is exclusively held by BFB’s (Big Fucking Bakkies), more commonly known to their owners as 4X4’s or even double cabs. The reasons that I give these drivers the so called honour of this position are numerous. Firstly, the vehicle itself is flawed, not so much by design but more by stupidity. An off-road vehicle as the name implies is supposed to be used off-road (yes some people don’t grasp simple facts like this). Thus it has a number of design features that makes it suitable for its intended use; some of these are:

It has a very high wheel base, this allows the driver to easily navigate boulders and other obstacles that he may encounter with the vehicle during its intended use, the downside is that this quite successfully raises the all the mirrors to the perfect height to reduce their effectiveness to zero. Then there is the fact that they are very large vehicles, used properly, this helps with stability and allows for a large amount of gear to be carried while bashing through the bundus. On the road however this size provides a perfect moving wall that reduces the visibility of those around them to just more than nothing. Yes, just like with real walls they are not built of glass and thus you can’t see though them.

The other side effect of a vehicle that size is the power trip, “Look at me I am so big, I can do whatever I want!” No you can’t. It seems to be commonly though that the law is just there for smaller objects, while BFB’s are exempt, but let me assure you that Newton was right when he stated that two objects of matter cannot occupy the same space at the same time. Yes, I know that these complex scientific laws are difficult for some to grasp but they are still in effect no mater what you believe.

Second Place (Previously First Place) are the Mercs. We have all heard the story that with the price they paid for the car that they own a piece of the road. Personally, I agree and will be happy to grant them their own little piece of tarmac. But please understand, if you own a piece of land it doesn’t exactly move with you, so please take your little piece of tar, I’m sure that there is plenty out there for you to own, preferably in the Karoo or somewhere harmless to others.

The other issue with Mercs, while I have yet to actually go and enquire about this, it seams that their indicators come as an optional extra, at the price of 20K per indicator. Now I can understand that with the cheapest Merc being a mere pocket change of 182K that this would push the price up by 80K resulting in a whopping 262K, now that amount is not to be sneezed at. It is however, a problem when it is against the law to not have indicators on your vehicle and it is also against the law to not indicate while turning. So my (humble) advice would be; buy a Palio II. The flickers cost about the same but they’ll even throw in a free car.

Third Place (New Entry) is the VW Golf, not the Golf 5 or the GTI as one would expect, no this one is actually a surprise, they are the Chico and Citi(1.4i) Golf’s. This new arrival does surprise me somewhat, as for the most part these people should know better, and I can assure you with current property prices they do not own the road. I could of course, take a shot in the dark (which I will) and say that it is due to the fact that their flickers cost less than those of the Palio II, but I seriously doubt it.

I another guess could also be that they are trying to prove that their little car is not as bad as people think. If this is the case, please sit down, take a deep breath and listen, it is as bad as other people think. It is under powered and does not have any of the luxuries that you get when you pay for a bigger and better car (like the Golf 5). Please, accept this as fact; I can assure you that your car has absolutely nothing to do with your penis or breast size, let alone how attractive you are to the other sex.

In Fourth Place (Previously Second) is the BMW. With BMW’s prices dropped the BMW is now a far more affordable car to the average man, thus there are more and more normal (please note: Normal is a relative term) people are able to afford them, resulting in their somewhat significant two place fall from glory.

Unfortunately, the underlying problem is still there. While there are the new and improved drivers there are also the people that still cling to the fact that a better car (over)compensates for certain things. I guess that this belief more or less follows the logic behind retail therapy, another thing that does not actually work, but is totally unrelated to this topic, so let me get back to the point.

The car itself is of a great design, and incorporates the all powerful German engineering (unlike the Merc that has become American engineering, pity). This brilliant design does come with one very important bonus feature, the flickers are not an optional extra, and people say the Germans are bad people. What’s even more astonishing is that for the most part, the drivers of these cars have even found the little leaver on the left of the steering wheel that actually operates these curious little devices. They have also, however, forgotten where the fog light switch is located, I guess there is a price to pay for everything and that the lesser of two evils is better.

Fifth Place is a surprise, it’s not a car, in fact it’s a bike; sadly it goes to the F 650 GS (New Entry), okay this isn’t the only type but it s a good example. As mentioned before BMW’s prices are more affordable than ever before the F 650 GS (and its variations) being the most popular. The problem is that this new and improved price has drawn a great deal of new riders, while the common misconception is that it is easy to cut trough traffic I can assure you that it is not, in fact it is very dangerous and demanding, more often than not you arrive at your destination totally drained. With experience, riders do develop a form of (what I call) biker sense, this allows for a pretty accurate precognition of what the cars are going to do. There are times of course, as is the natural order of things, where this can fail (most often when BFB’s are involved), but it is still your lifeblood.

These people (yes, people, not riders) also have a tendency to clip mirrors of the cars. This is causes a two fold problem; the first being that those cars can no longer see bikes, and the second is that if they actually do see the bikes that they now have a grudge.

The good news is that once natural selection (I love Darwin) has taken place and the non worthy have been weeded out; those that are left actually grow up to be spring chickens like me. The other good news is, that with the increase of the traffic between lanes, the car drivers themselves are far more aware than they have ever been before, thus making life far easier. But (yup there is always a “but”, isn’t there) the problem is that we now have to cope with the bikes themselves, bikes that couldn’t take a gap if they received a written invitation, bikes that think that their mirrors are ornaments.
But hey, this is the life that bikers have chosen. We have balanced the good against the bad. We have looked at the possibility of developing a serious sense of road-rage and spending the next couple of years in jail for mass murder against taking our life into our own hands and taking on the terrors of the road. We have weighed the wind, the rain and the cold and found that we would rather put up with all of those for an extra half an hours sleep. I do not expect anyone to heed what is written here it is just an FYI. Just remember, we are the ones that drive for you.

Body Language

Body Language is a very important part of communication in all creatures throughout the world, human and otherwise. During the mating period many animals let the fact that they are interested (or not) in each other be known through body language. Most fights are also avoided through this method whenever there is rivalry in the group.

Same with humans - we too use this process of silent communication to get our point across; sexually, aggressively or even in plain communication. It is a well known and researched fact that men communicate with each other using body language, even more than woman do.

Personally, I think this skill developed over thousands of years with men trying to communicate while woman where talking between themselves in the same cave. This of course came a long time before men were allowed the sanctity of their garage, but by that time this skill was deep seated in men’s genetic makeup.

The problem is, however, that men and woman have two very different dialects as far as body language is concerned. One is very pronounced (male), filled with sound effects and large sweeping movements, while others (female) use a nice, discreet and almost impossible to decode dialect.

I have seen plenty a woman confused as hell after listening to a conversation between males. While men of course have little to no clue what was said between two women, seeing as they generally doze off between all the verbal details that is included in the discussions. However, the fact that women are verbal does not mean that they do not use the intricacies of body language between themselves, but almost never to get the point across.

The problem? We expect each other to understand our dialects. Let’s go to the bar and/or nightclub scenario. Can someone (anyone, I’m begging) tell me what: “Okay, we have been looking at each other for the last hour. I like you, so now would be a good time to come over and ask my name.” is in woman body language? Please? Pretty please with a cherry on top and chocolate sprinkles.

But then again - maybe you shouldn’t waste your time. I am so daft in that regard that even a woman saying: “Take me now” probably won’t get through (or has ever).

On the daft topic here is an amusing little anecdote. While I might be daft as far as the whole flirting and body language thing goes I am definitely not as daft as one of my buddies. Let me lay the scene.

The Doors (for those of you NOT in civilization; the Doors is an Alternate nightclub, actually THE alternate night club. Originally based in Marshal Street, Johannesburg, where this took place, till it moved to Edenvale.).

Anyway, there we all are on the dance floor having one of the greatest times of our lives, a very large quantity of alcohol and even more cigarettes under our belt (yes this was before our Minister of health got bored), when all of a sudden this bombshell rocks up in our group and starts dancing in front of my buddy. No less than three times did she raise her (considerably short) miniskirt for him to have a peek - and that is not even counting the way she was dancing.

Now this is not the way that I like my women - a little too forward for my liking - but the boots were good. But that is slightly beside the point. Little old daft me could see that the amount off effort needed there was even less than asking her name, and more along the lines of pointing the way to the car. My buddy on the other hand didn’t have a clue. Only after the fact, on the way home when we told him, he caught on ….. and you should have seen his face.

But back to the point after that distraction - all this miscommunication is really annoying. I am sure that there isn’t a single male or female (wild animal) that does not understand each other. So why the hell are we so different? I mean - if the entire point is to talk without talking should we not understand each other? I sure as hell think so.

Now you are probably asking why I decided to write this. Well it is actually quite simple. I am sick and tired of women trying to say things like: “You bastard! How could you forget our anniversary”, or “It’s my birthday today you dolt!” and not being able to understand it. I am sick of people telling me: “She likes you”, or “She was all over you”, when as far as I was concerned all it was, was a nice conversation.

Hell, to be honest all I really want is to be able to understand women full stop.

Bigger is Better

After watching Rollerball (the original) and Resident Evil I realised that in almost all movies Mega Corporations are displayed as bad and/or evil. However, I think that it is not as bad as everyone thinks as long as there is just enough competition to keep things moving and improvements happening.

In Rollerball, nations and governments were abolished and in their place there were five Mega Corporations that ruled the world. The Mega Corps had abolished famine and poverty elevating everyone in the world to at least a middle class standing. However, this comfort and luxury came at a price - the people had to forfeit their freedom and right to vote.

Now while this might be a scary thing to most people I don’t see how this is all that bad. Mega Corps are the things that keep the world turning and indirectly they rule anyway, but if they could abolish poverty and hunger - why not? What would really change?

However I do not want to argue the fact that Mega Corps should rule the world, but rather that they are not as bad and evil as people always seem to make them out to be.

Everyone is very willing to jump on the inquisition bandwagon and witch hunt the big boys without looking at what they have done. Let’s take everyone’s favourite, Microsoft - they are by far the biggest Operating System (OS) and Software development house in the world and the bane of any small development house.

But what have they done for us? Simple - they have made the Internet accessible to more people by supplying a free browser with their OS but people call this monopolising the Internet. Okay - so to not be one of those people out there that use Microsoft’s Browser, I can now log onto the net and download a score of other ones. But I ask HOW do I download it without a browser in the first place? Can I call Netscape and wait for them to deliver to my door the new free copy of their browser?

Then there is the fact that Microsoft refuses to make their code open-source. Why the hell should they? Firstly, they have paid their developers for that code and it is thus their intellectual capital. Secondly they are by far the best out there anyway. It’s not like Mercedes is going to give their latest plans to BMW free of charge. So why the fuss with a software house that does the same?

Another problem with going open source is that there is absolutely no control over what happens to it, and soon that which was good and standardised becomes millions of bastardised copies of the original, making the entire software world even more confusing than it already is. By keeping their code to themselves and releasing it to those people that they deem should have it (yes, they do this) they keep control.

Now - if all those people out there that are not IT people are still awake and with me, I will move on.

What of things like Medical Companies? Why not merge them into one and get a standard of drugs out there that is the same across the board. I am sick of walking into a pharmacy and asking for a drug that is supposed to do something and the one they give me doesn’t bloody work, while I know perfectly well that there are ones that do.

With one huge Mega Medical Company there would not be billions wasted by two companies researching the same thing. Instead the research can be channelled and directed in a common direction. By doing this the result is the basis for opening up millions of others of directed and orderly research opportunities, thus allowing man to advance far quicker than we currently are (at least in the Medical field), even though this advantage can actually be carried across to just about all types of companies.

Then a Financial Institution, one huge conglomerate of people that look after money and everything to do with it. Think on this one a bit, as it is actually by far one of the biggest ones with the most far reaching influences. Standardisation of economy would be one of the first things to come out of this. No more unseen fluctuations, no stock market crashes.

With all the people in the world working on a financial solution for basically the entire world how long do you think it would be before the world’s finances become greatly simplified? There would be far fewer ‘variables’ in the equation of financial projections and the likes.

Even the Stock Trading Companies can jump on this bandwagon, all of them working together to regulate the entire worlds’ needs and demands, but with proper and organised projections to work on - things that do not exist in the current system.

Now I hear a lot of people crying: “But there will be no competition and things will spiral out of control.” In a sense this could be true, but for the most part the Corporations themselves will regulate the prices. They all depend upon each other in the end and by doing one company in the circle continues around until in effect you do yourself in, and there isn’t a company in the world that would want to do that.

People can also scream that the quality might drop if there is no competition, but yet again all the companies would be each others’ watch dogs. If the quality drops then it impacts the others and those will impact back on the previous one in some way or another.

In fact, I think that there is a pretty fair chance that it would become better, and so would the prices. Just think about it - there would be no reason to make an exceptionally good product to sell for an exceptional price or an absolutely terrible product for next to nothing. Instead for the most part the things will be a good product for a good price.

Of course if they are really bright they could still make the other two lines, but it will probably be widely known that these products are better or worse. What’s more - piracy will very rapidly become a thing of the past. No more Ra Baines instead of Ray Bans; no more NiKes instead of Nikes.

I say - for a better and far simpler world - bring on the Mega Corporations. They will simplify the world we live in no end and quite easily cut out a lot of the serious problems that we currently have.

The Oddities of Man

All men in the world have a form of fetish or fantasy. I am not taking about the fascination of breasts that some people I know have, but more along the lines of types of woman. The ones that are a great turn on for us as men are the ones that the mere thought of can make the blood boil (amongst other things). Generally they differ greatly from man to man but there is always a chance that all of them will be appealing to some degree.

This has always interested me - the whole difference in tastes, fetishes and fantasies. While the top ten male fantasies can actually be quite worrying, those are NOT what I would like to go into (mostly because they scare the hell out of me). Here is why:

Top Ten Male Fantasies

1. Sex with a famous celebrity
2. Sex with more than one woman
3. Oral sex (receiving)
4. Sex with a stranger/acquaintance
5. Sex with girlfriend/wife
6. Voyeurism (watching others)
7. Kinky sex (bondage, spanking etc.)
8. Forced sex
9. Being penetrated (anal)
10. Sex with another male

Now I don’t know about all of you out there, but the first five I can understand while the last four really scare me. The other one I am indifferent about.

Anyway - I guess I should move on with it and get to the point of this article. I would like to share why I think that these fantasies exist, and what the most common ones are.

The Teacher / Librarian:

This one is easy; most men are fascinated by the “ugly duckling” phenomenon. It would be great if you could find the girl that is intellectual and well educated, but the cliche would be a (blonde) woman with big ugly glasses and her hair tied up tightly in a bun - never prime material for a girlfriend.

Shallow? Hey, we are men.

Of course, the turn on for this little fantasy is when they take off their glasses and loosen their hair (just to be dramatic) and shake their heads to loosen it properly, as it comes to rest, cascading over their shoulders) and all of a sudden they are transformed into a goddess, ready and willing.

Okay - the ready and willing part is just about every mans’ dream.

The Good Girl (School girl and / or College):

These are the ones that would be inexperienced but are very willing (yet again that willing thing) to experiment and try new things. I think it appeals to mans’ inner explorer, “To boldly go where no one has gone before”. To teach and mould a piece of clay into exactly what you want.

Their experimentation and naivety is also a great help. By simply appealing to that side a male should be able to get just about everything he would like to get out of them. Hey, I have never said that men are ‘nice’ - but then neither are women. This one could also (in a mans mind) lead to the ‘Sex with more than one woman fantasy’ and I know quite a few people that would never ever scream and shout if that one had to pop up some time.

The Bad Girl:

I think we have all seen this one in action. They are the ones with the great amount of sex appeal and they know it. They also are generally the ones that wear the very… interesting outfits to clubs, and just about everywhere else. Boots (Hmmm) and leather are common, as are the mini-skirts and the likes. Generally they can also be referred to as man eaters, or if you really want: Nymphs.

But being a man we are trapped by the want for the ‘wet and wild’ experience and there is always the chance that you might just learn something. Of course - there might just be the chance that it will fall into the last four of the abovementioned fantasies. So I think personally I would say far away from this one. You just never know what you are getting into.

The Nurse:

This one is also an easy one to diagnose (please excuse the pun - it was actually quite unintentional). Even though men would hardly ever admit it, there are times when they would like to be the ones that are looked after and the nurse of course is just the perfect one to do that, is she not? Of course - this little fantasy would fall far outside of the scope of South African nurses. Where the hell did they fall off?

The Police Woman:

To be honest I think this one falls in with number 6/7 of the fantasies. The whole dominance and power thing could be the turn on for this one. Then there are also the guns (if you like that) and convenient handcuffs nearby too.

The Broad:

I’ll probably get stoned for this name, but what the hell. This one is the ‘plain Jane’ - the ones that are pretty but not all that stunning. They are also generally pretty intelligent and can hold their own in just about any situation that could ever arise. Why this one happens I have little to no idea, but I guess it could be that she is dependable and far more stable than average - perfect for a great and productive relationship and sex life, as they are an ideal middle ground between all of the above types.

I know that I have left out quite a few, the French Maid and the Gym Chick being some of them, but to be honest I have little to no guess why a person would like those. The maid (PLEASE NOTE: French Maid) has little to nothing to do with anything other than a clean house, and as for the Gym Chick - I could take a wild guess and say that it is due to the hot and sweatiness. But I have no idea.

To sum up - this article might be totally wrong. To be honest it is as difficult to explain the human psyche as it is to describe what handsome or pretty is. What defines what our unique perceived likes and dislikes are?

And women, before you think: “Men are weird - thank god we are more normal and that we don’t get turned on by an outfit.” - let me remind you of Val Kilmer and Tom Cruise in full dress uniform in Top Gun.

Okay, stop panting now.

The Power of Man

Yesterday I read an article on News24 about two brothers that each have two additional kidneys. This little ‘enhancement’ gives them the ability to process alcohol much quicker than the average man. Big bonus there, if you ask me. But this little thing got me thinking.

Why not enhance the human race? In Star Trek (I warned you), the Klingons are one of the races that are most resilient to death. Basically this is because of their biological makeup. Two hearts, two livers and four lungs obviously make them slightly harder to kill than the average man (even though the humans never seem to have a problem beating up a Klingon that is twice the size and three times the strength of a mere human). Of course the Klingons have evolved this way due to their extremely violent past and still violent warrior culture.

While we might not quite have the technology yet there is a chance that very soon in the future we will. I have read articles on people with cybernetic eyes and ears. Prosthetic limbs are becoming better and better too - sure they aren’t perfect yet, but give it some time I assure you. The question remains: should we or should we not enhance our very fragile bodies into something slightly more resilient to death and more suited to certain tasks at hand?

I say that we should. Just think of the advantages that would come from this. With cloning and implantation, what could be fatal injuries could be cured - even heart function could be optimised to give peak performance at all times. With the presence of two additional kidneys the production and distribution of adrenalin would be greatly improved, making the human body react far better than ever before in times of crisis, not to mention the advantages connected to the consumption of alcohol.

Hell, with this enhancement we could actually finally have exciting Olympic games again. With records being vastly improved instead of split seconds being shaved off, or even worse - no one even coming close to one of them.

With cybernetics we could increase strength and durability by an almost unlimited amount. Replacing the vital organs with new and improved cybernetic ones will increase all the human functions to all-new levels. Even a small heater attached to the cybernetic heart will greatly decrease the fatalities from hypothermia once the human heating system fails at extreme cold.

Cybernetic eyes would give us a great advantage while driving at night over that of the MK1 eyeball. Brain augmentation will allow for greater access to a vast amount of data when needed. Most importantly, I would love to have a wireless Internet connection plugged straight into my brain.

Our minds have given us the power to start overcoming death already. Heart transplants and pace makers are now commonplace. Kidney transplants and even dialysis are now widely in use. Even insulin for diabetics is an enhancement of sorts. All of these are enhancements, if somewhat unrefined, to a body that is either failing or which would have failed were it not for the enhancements.

Then of course there are those who will argue that it will strip away our humanity, or who question “What will happen to our souls?” These are valid arguments and have been fought from both sides for centuries, but how badly would this really influence us? One could see this as just another simple (okay not so simple) step in evolution. If we have the mental capacity to reach this level why not use it? We have in other areas.

How is augmentation any worse than creating a car? The human body was not designed to travel at 120 km/h (or more). Is this not a form of augmentation? How is it any different from the creation and use of an airplane or a space shuttle? We were not built to fly or even remotely go into space. All we have done is use our intellect to enhance ourselves to allow for that. Have any of those enhancements in any way decreased our humanity? I think not. In fact - we have greatly improved from them. So much, in fact, that almost everyone - except of course the Mormons - owns a car, and in no way (other than road rage due to traffic) has that caused us to lose our humanity.

As for the spirit issue - what is the spirit, and who says that it is even remotely tied into human flesh and blood? And what would be the difference if we substitute one machine, if biological, for another - even though it will be technological? That God did not create it? How is this argument valid? If man creates a machine that in turn creates cars or even cellphones, is it the machine or man that created the finished product? Do we not see it as a man made product? So what is the difference?

I think Chris Barnard said it best with “Die hart is a pomp.”

We are expanding and bettering ourselves all the time, as is our nature, and we have many challenges ahead of us. With the ocean and even Mars beckoning us should we not start preparing for that? Our current flesh is far to weak to stand up against the challenges that we will face very soon in our future. We will have to do something -and soon - to increase our abilities to handle the obstacles that will very soon face us.

Judge, Jury and Executioner

Following on from the Judge Dredd: Dredd vs. Death review I thought it might be a good idea to share with everyone why I think that we are in serious need of ‘Judges’ and other forms of law enforcement in this country, and maybe even throughout the world.

The democracy-based legal system that is currently in effect in most of the so-called civilized world is in itself flawed. It is in no way suited to handle the workload that is needed in the fight against crime. In fact - the sheer volume is more than any bureaucratic system could ever handle and this inadequacy is a spawning ground for even more problems. To be quite honest it is not the effectiveness of the legal system but more the efficiency that is causing problems.

While people wait for their hearing or even their trial there are families that are waiting and in some cases starving because their bread winner is indisposed. This in turn leads to more crime as those families try to make their way in the world. Of course most peoples’ solution to this problem is to hire more staff to handle the workload. I, on the other hand, say that we should reduce the amount of steps and procedures and properly empower the policemen of today to be able to uphold the law in a proper fashion.

It is actually quite simple. Take a group of dedicated officers, call them Judges (or whatever you please) and give them the power they need. The ability to primarily arrest and sentence on the spot, but failing that - or if the situation requires it - kill on sight. If this is done the law enforcers will finally be on an equal footing with the criminals. Thus allowing them to at least stand a fair chance in their fight against crime.

I have always felt that the police of today are in the same situation as a martial artist might be if you had to tie his preferred arm behind his back, give him a spoon and ask him to kill a platoon of soldiers armed with firearms. Impossible, damn right it is - there is no way that that person will ever be able to do anything unless he has his full potential at hand when dealing with situations that people can’t even think of comprehending.

To back the Judges up, of course, you will need an elite form of SWAT - this also has a simple solution. Enter the Tank Police - a special SWAT unit that is there solely to handle the situations that the Judges themselves cannot handle or which would be extremely dangerous if they did. Simply put; they are a group of trained professionals that drive around in tanks and have the full military arsenal at their disposal for use against the criminals.

Now I hear your cries: “This is not a war - why all the heavy equipment?” To this I say wrong - it is a war; it is a war against crime and a far bigger war than any other that has ever been fought in history. All the previous wars have been against some kind of external threat. Crime, however, is everywhere, an internal cancer that is threatening to kill the entire fabric of the society that we live in.

Finally, I say we should institute legal Bounty Hunters and even go as far as having an entire TV show similar to “Crime Stop” dedicated solely to informing those registered bounty Hunters of job opportunities that are out there.

This would be a far simpler and even a cheaper alternative to that of doubling our current police force. Think about it - the Bounty Hunters will actually carry the expense of apprehending the criminals and are reimbursed only on the sucessful completion of the job, instead of financing a multitude of undercover operations which may or may not produce results.

The Bounty Hunters, however, are after all only civilians, and will have to have far harsher restrictions placed on them compared to those that are in the active role of enforcing law. They would be restricted to bringing in criminals alive to be judged by a Senior Judge. Other forms of grievous bodily harm would also not be allowed.

Now I hear people screaming: “But who is going to look after the Judges and keep them in line? Or will they run rampant and become even worse than the criminals there are?” Simple - I would institute an even smaller and more elite group, that we shall call the Special Judicial Squad, for arguments sake. In essence they would be the same as the current day Internal Affairs, but they - like their counterparts - will be empowered to take whatever action they deem necessary to keep the Judges from becoming corrupt.

Furthermore I think that the amount of paperwork and the likes should streamlined; a simple record of deaths and arrests should be kept for each enforcer. This will give a pretty accurate indication of how the enforcer is doing as far as his job is concerned. If the enforcer becomes more and more violent the new and minimized paperwork will easily indicate whether or not the SJS should step in and take action. A simple form could be filled out at the end of each shift, simply stating the name of the criminal, his crimes and his sentence, even if that sentence is death.

I think that there should also be a definite split between the police and politics.

Politicians have little to no idea what law enforcement is about. This entire exercise should be left in the hands of those who know what they are doing, instead of people that are even more corrupt than the criminals themselves. This will also put the politicians in exactly the same situation as the people that they ‘serve’.

In both the Judge Dredd novels and in the game they use the catch phrase: “Justice has a price and that price is freedom.” I disagree with that statement; it is the ultimate empowerment of freedom. You have the freedom of choice - break the law and you are at the mercy of the Judges, or abide by the law and don’t worry.

I know that a lot of people out there will disagree with me and tell me just how inhumane and oppressive what I have proposed here is. But let me remind you that the very phrase ‘law enforcement’ is oppressive. There is no way to be humane and enforce order upon a people that have no concept of the word humane unless it so suits them. Take their shield away and put them on the level that they regard everyone else on and we’ll see what happens.

I say roll out the Judges. It is sure to make the world a better place.

Bad Guys Rule

In all the stories told throughout the world there are the good guys and the bad guys. The story is always basically the same as well; the bad guy always has a master plan to do something bad, be it world destruction / domination or the gain of ultimate power, but just at the last second the good guy swoops in and saves the day against all odds, and nursing a bullet wound that has little to no effect on his handling of heavy equipment and execution of complex martial arts moves.

At the end of the day we all feel good because good prevailed and evil was vanquished. Not me. I love the bad guys; they are just far better than any of the good guys could ever dream of being. In fact, they have everything that the good guys lack and far more. I guess that it is this reason that against all odds, I always root for the villain, even though his chances of winning are little to nothing.

Except of course in Swordfish, which I am ecstatic about.

Anyway, with this article it is my master plan to attempt to convert some of you to the “Dark Side of the Force” by explaining just why I support the bad guys and why they should always win.

They are FAR more intelligent:
World domination or Ultimate power does not come easily. It takes a large amount of meticulous planning and preparation before it can come into fruition. In fact - most of the Master Plans are so well thought out that the heroes never even catch an inkling of it before it is way too late.

Furthermore, everything in the Master Plan has a contingency plan. There is no possible way that a good guy or even an arb pleb could come up with the plans that the bad guys cook up. They are so twisted and interweaved that there is absolutely no way for the hero of the story to ever truly understand it. Thus they are forced to rely on the villain to explaining it to them in very little words before they can even grasp the basic concept.

They have stronger personalities:
We all have seen this - the Villain knows that he is great and far superior to everyone else. If not he would have been one of the arb plebs instead of the ruler of his own domain or legion of terror. This is a very important trait, as with no self-doubt there is nothing holding him back from his true goal.

He has no problems with moral dilemmas or the fact that his mother never held him as a child or how his ex mysteriously arrives on the scene. In fact he WAS the one that stole the ex, and why wouldn’t she change sides? On the one hand she has an arb wimp and on the other she has a guy who is the ruler of his domain. I’m not a woman, but I know which one I would take.

What’s more Villains have brilliant charisma - sure they have a “dark side”, but how else did they get where they are without some charisma and political skill?


They have direction in their lives:
They know what they want and exactly how to get it. There is no “for the good of humanity” or other such intangible concepts with them. They do it for money or power - that is it. They see what they want and they get it no matter what the cost. Isn’t that why they have a legion of terror in the first place?

Nothing, not even puny little laws and governments, can come between them and their goal, but then that is why they are intelligent in the first place. They sit in HUGE houses eating Caviar and drinking Champagne while the hero is trying to pull his shattered life back together and just getting by.

They are better dressers:
Sure they can afford entire teams of fashion designers and the likes but it doesn’t take much to realise that drab brown is not exactly the top of the fashion lists. Meanwhile the Dark Lords are dressed in black, or at least very Dark Lordy and powerful, and they always look impeccable. If the Heroes would just catch a bit of a wake up in this regard maybe the woman wouldn’t leave them and they wouldn’t have to be trying to pull their lives back together.

Sure there are some exceptions to the good guy looking like he slept in his clothes. Bond would never look like that even if he did. I swear the man has a Q iron somewhere in his shoe, but while he still has to Q iron his cloths the bad guy can just sit back and allow for his millions of little people to do his clothes for him.

They have the best lines:
This is obvious, just think of most of the movies that you have seen. They have wonderful things like: “Mr. Anderson” from the Matrix and “No, Mr. Bond, I expect you to die!” from Goldfinger and many, many more. While the poor heroes are stuck with the usual “I’ll be Back.” This of course is an obvious offshoot from their supreme self-confidence and far higher intelligence. It is these displays of their superiority that makes them so much more than the hero of the day could even dream of ever being.

They are firm believers of the big gun theory:
Smith in the Matrix uses a Desert Eagle .50, the biggest handgun in the world, while on most of the Sci-Fi’s and the likes the bad guy is almost always building a decent weapon of mass destruction; anything else is just a total waste of time. After all, why use many when only one will do? Just look at the Death Star in A New Hope -Alderaan betrayed the empire and instead of a long drawn out discussion that eventually got them nowhere, they simply blew up the planet with the biggest gun I have ever seen. This attitude brings me round to my next point:

They will not tolerate incompetence or disobedience:
Again we have a look at the Star Wars universe and good old Darth Vader - the people that fail are automatically killed and replaced. They also have such creative ways of killing people too. Using the force to strangle someone aside - they have cool walkways that drop people into rivers of Piranhas, electric armchairs, shark tanks and the likes.

This weeding process has many benefits to it. Firstly, it weeds out the incompetent instead of nursing them and allowing them to fail again later when it is really important that they don’t. Secondly it gives some decent motivation to strive to be the best, as promotion opportunities are greatly increased. Thirdly, it keeps the blood young and fresh with little chance of stagnation or the likes.

Basically all they expect is the best. If you are pathetically incompetent then you should have joined the good guys where you’ll fit in.

With all this greatness about them I guess it is totally justifiable that they all suffer from the one thing that seems to constantly be their downfall - their arrogance. For some reason they always in their arrogance leave the hero to die, after explaining their master plan to them and giving them plenty of time to escape and then cause untold amounts of havoc and ultimately defeating the Master of Darkness and Lord of all Terror.

I wish that just once they would kill the good guy with the same prejudice as they do their incompetent subordinates. It is really not all that hard:

“Hi, you are the good guy, right?”
“That’s right, I am here to…”

*Bang!*

Sex, Lies and Relationships

Of all the creatures on this little blue speck of a planet we call home, there are only two that have sex for pleasure. Those would be the Dolphins and Humans. Of those two there is only one that uses lies and mystique in the courting process. Yes, you guessed it, Humans. How often have you sat in a bar / coffee shop / or even a super market and seen someone that “catches your eye”? Then ask yourself how many times when that happens and the person turns and looks back at you do you shift your gaze and stare intently at the can of dog food / bottle of Jack / or coffee grinder just off to the side of them? I do it all the bloody time; we feign disinterest where there is plenty and thus cutting our chances in half if not a quarter.

I have read plenty an article on how to pick up chicks and the likes and have spent plenty an hour on trying to figure out the psychology of people and their actions. What I have read is that the diverting of your gaze is the WORST thing you can do, what you are supposed to do is keep looking and smile as this denotes confidence, something woman apparently like. However I have caught plenty of women doing exactly the same thing to men. They do it slightly differently to men though. They have a tendency to look at the man and then turn their attention on the woman with him (if there is one). What I have seen in those looks have been scary, if looks could kill your companion would not only be dead but would be in and along the lines of “red mist”. It somewhat reminds me of the Adhoc add with the woman that hiss / growl at each other as the guy walks past. If there is no woman then the hair flicking starts.

Now what I would like to know is why all this happens, we all want the same thing don’t we? As much as woman would like to deny it they want to get laid as much as the men but both of the sexes are so caught up in the whole “polite” thing that most of the time nothing happens. However in the latest FHM Sex Survey it says that on average men have sex 2.1 times a week while woman have it 2.9 times a week, now if it takes two to tango the men are getting screwed somewhere along the line and not in the way we want. Sure there are the “chatting up inept” that have a serious disability but why is it that the guy have to do all the damn work?

Woman bitch moan and complain about equality but are still the “hunted” when it comes to relationships. Of course the previous statement is also not one hundred percent true either, they do some pretty serious “hunting” of their own and they do it with such devious skill that it astounds me. They have this ability to “organise” things, be it from being next to the guy they like at the bar, to heading to the bathroom at the same time. Thus always presenting an opportunity for the guy to make a move. But the whole charade is still ever present, the “aloofness” and the “inability to notice” this gorgeous person is still there.

What I found interesting though is that in the FHM I bought with the Sex Survey in came with the South African “Homegrown Honeys” now for those of you that don’t know what that is it is a “talent” hunt amongst the general population of South Africa. While paging though this little booklet and reading the little description they give of each girl. I realised that the most stunning and gorgeous of these entrants where all single. Now this leads me two one of two conclusions, either they are gay or the men are to damn scared to approach this creature of absolute beauty and perfection. I choose to believe the latter. Men are petrified of the whole rejection thing and thus don’t bother. Instead they look, the woman notices and hopes and hopes but nothing happens. This I accredit to the fact that she is appears perfect and has to have been snapped up by someone so why bother? Enter the ego thing again.

Now I ask why doesn’t she come over and introduce herself and if not that she could do it far more discreetly like in Goodwill Hunting, where the woman walks up to the guy and says: “I have been waiting at the end of the bar for two hours waiting for you to come and introduce yourself, I’m tired now and I am going home. Hear is my number call me sometime.” See simple, easy and very womanly. I once had a “similar” experience. I use the quotes because even though it had some similarities ie, the woman approached me that’s about where it ended.

Any way the story is as follows: There I was sitting in my favourite pub with two of my buddies having a great time. I had noticed that this one chick had taken an interest in us but not being quite my type I didn’t bother. That is not to say that she wasn’t good looking, her red hair and hazel eyes and athletic body where a turn on, she was just a tad old for my liking. Anyway there we where getting merrily drunk when all of a sudden she rocked up at our table and said to me in an erotic foreign accent: “I would like to fuck you.” Now this is everyman’s dream right? Well I tell you I nearly had a heart attack, this just did not happen, not to me, hell this doesn’t happen to anyone. Well politely we invited her to join our table and it turned out she was a Brazilian that was flying out the next day. At one point, towards the end of the evening, I got dragged off to show her where the bathroom was. Upon getting there I promptly found her tongue down my throat. I must admit she was a damn good kisser though but that is a bit off topic. After returning it and finally recovering from the near heart attack, I decided that it might be a good idea to pawn her off on my one friend who is far more… open to situations like this. Smoothly done as ever I slipped out and let him turn on his usual charm. Anyway, lets just say that the 2.1 / 2.9 statistic got justified that evening and I never found out whether the Brazilian wax should be called that.

Now you are asking what is my point with my entire little story there. Let me tell you. After this particular hair-raising incident I came to realise that the entire cloak and dagger thing that us Humans have developed over the years is actually quite a good thing. Sure we could be more open about how we feel and thus relieve a lot of the pressure that is involved in the entire dating ritual but all round it is the thing that keeps it civil.

Absconderus Intellegentia

I am sure that we have all encountered the following set of events: It is a bright sunny Saturday afternoon and everything is going great, the only problem is our conscience is nagging us; The car needs a wash. So after about two hours of procrastination and empty promises to ourselves that we will do it tomorrow we finally get to it. An hour of blood sweat and tears later the car is shining, spotless inside and out. Content with a job well done you head back inside and just as you sit yourself down you hear the dreaded sound of thunder. Your instantaneous response is to suddenly move faster than you ever have before in your life, grabbing the car keys and dashing out the house only to be drenched to the bone as you step foot out the house. The car of course is neatly returned to its previous state as though the last hour odd never happened. The problem, there wasn’t a cloud in the sky before you sat down.

Or this one: It is another bright and sunny day, the best you have seen in months. The sun is shining and there is a nice cool breeze blowing keeping the temperature just right. So you decide that this is the most perfect day ever to have a nice pleasant cruise through the countryside, stop and have a picnic and another slow cruise back. So the preparations start, the food gets packed and due to the space restrictions the certain things like the rain suit are left behind. The tour begins, the sun shining in your face and everything is perfect. Yet just as you pass the point of no return, the point where it is actually longer to turn back than to keep going to your destination the heavens part the rain starts and you are drenched to the bone on arrival. The problem, there wasn’t a cloud in the sky before the halfway mark.

Enter Absconderus Intellegentia, literally translated means “Hidden Intelligence” however they are more commonly known as Camo-Clouds and are - as their common name implies - camouflaged to the human eye. However they are at times visible in their true form when the conditions are just right. Twilight with Cumulonimbus, or rain clouds in layman’s terms, in the distance is when they are most visible as they have problems adapting to the changing light. To the careful eye they will actually show up a light blue against the Cumulonimbus clouds. To date science has yet to determine how these clouds are actually formed or if they have always existed, however it is known that these clouds unlike all the others are not formed by the varying weather conditions.

The Camo-Clouds are however seen far more often than most people think. In fact whenever there is a clear blue sky that is the Camo-Clouds hiding the Cumulonimbus clouds behind them. As they are the most intelligent of all the clouds, they rule with an iron fist over the other clouds. Even the Cumulonimbus clouds, which have displayed a limited form of intelligence as displayed by the fact that it always rains from the side that you left your car window open, bow to their rule. They have displayed signs of strategy, misdirection and improvisation, all signs of a supreme form of intelligence that we are yet to understand but we have been able to deduce that they act with malicious intent. There camouflaging ability makes them even harder to see or study but we are starting to see the faintest of patterns emerge from what where previously thought to be random weather patterns.

The studies of Camo-Clouds have led to some startling discoveries about our planet too. Where it was originally thought that clouds where interspaced over our blue-green and brown planet it has been discovered that earth is in fact totally surrounded in cloud cover like Venus. The effect of the blue sky as well as the blue-green and brown that can be viewed from space are a result of the Camo-Clouds exercising their ability to camouflage themselves and strategy, creating the illusion of our planet as we know it. The so-called atmospheric distortion that is encountered while trying to observe the stars from ground based telescopes has also been found to rather be a miscommunication between the spotter clouds near the edge of our atmosphere and the display clouds lower down.

Even sunlight is actually controlled by them; the sun is made up of clouds of hydrogen thus putting them under their rule. The level and intensity of the sun and thus the rate at which it warms the earth is determined by them depending on the requirements needed to produce more of their subjects. They themselves have found a way to replicate the effect of sunlight themselves by using a form of fusion. However they only really do this in the winter season where the sun is in a different position and they cannot get the desired effect to create the new clouds or deliver the really hot winter days.

We have also found evidence to support the fact that there is a hierarchical structure in the cloud kingdom; first there are the Camo-Clouds, the rulers and the decision makers. Next come the Cumulus clouds, these are the “big guns” in the cloud kingdom and also have as previously stated possess intelligence even though they might be below that of the Absconderus Intellegentia. Next in rank are the Stratus clouds, those low flat and layered clouds; these are the front line used by the Camo-Clouds as a safe cover for the Cumulus clouds to move into place. Finally come the Cirrus clouds, the curly or fibrous clouds that at times grace our sky via the will of the Camo-Clouds. They are the scouts, the ones that are used to gauge the reaction of people to the presence of clouds and just how nervous we become at their presence.
There have also been signs of coupes in their ranks. The Cumulus clouds usually spearhead these. They are easy to spot, they are when you can see a definite storm brewing and growing in strength right up to the time when it vanishes without a trace, totally destroyed by the all powerful Camo-Cloud, to be replaced with the perfect weather needed to create more, less rebellious subordinates.

They exist, they are there and they are ruling our lives. I warn you all beware, the only real defence we have against them is eternal vigilance.